The God of Big Things

(The following conversation between me and a freelance client is absolutely fictional. Understandably because I’ve never done a freelance; agencies pay us so well that we don't need to. The conversation is also a no-brainer and an absolute time waste if you’re a client or even an aspiring one for that matter. )

Client: “So how’s this script showing my product in the right light?”

Me (in my head): “We’ll have the best lightman to take care of that.”

Me (to him): “Why? What makes you say that?”

Client (avoiding eye contact/not considering me worthy of being looked at): “It doesn’t bring forth the USP of my product.”

Me (sensing the need for urgent firefighting and therefore, with no time to retort): “Which is?”

Client (pissed off with the writer asking USP questions in the third round of script presentation): “I don’t think we’ve the time for it now. Let’s get cracking.”

Me (don’t even ask): “Okay. But we’ll need the USP.”

Client (pensive, almost on the brink of picking up a pen from the table): “It’s the same as every other product’s. My product too will change your life.”

Me (figuring means to pay off a Credit Card outstanding if this film doesn’t work out): “Sir, at this crucial juncture, may I remind you we’re selling match boxes?”

Client (scandalized, I think, is the word): “And are you trying to tell me it can’t change someone’s life? Are you really, as a responsible creative resource on the job, trying to tell me that? May I remind you of its wide array of benefits? Jantar Mantar matches are the only kind in the world that are both safety matches (strike-able against a specified surface) and strike-anywhere matches (strike-able against any surface). Do you now see the lint of freedom it infuses into the consumer’s life the moment it enters it? Do you realize what divine intervention it is that you're selling? Do you even understand how lucky you are to be working on this account?”

Me (creative ego finally waking up): “Sir, as is the brand, with dedicated individuals like us working on it.”

Client (scandalized, I’m sure, is the word): “Pardon?”

Me (creative ego lulled to sleep at the thought of a potential mental masturbation cum ego session): “Nothing Sir. While one agrees with most of your observations, the attempt here was to portray the matches slightly differently. To show how it serves a purpose in its own small yet beautiful way, as against giving it over the top significance. You see, everything important in life may not be life-altering. The first sip of tea in the morning doesn't ensure a ‘life well lived’ at seventy five, but it sure as hell is important.”

Client (frown appearing, disappearing, reappearing): “That’s my only grouse with creative people. How can you make such inter-category comparisons? When will you begin to understand the nuances of the category you’re in?”

Me (realizing I’ve a final settlement to receive from my ex-agency): “I don’t get your point Sir. I honestly don’t.”

Client (lambi saans): “Never mind. You’re not the first one.”

The client continues his search for a creative guy who can understand his valid point. I continue my search for a client who can really sell something life-altering.

Don't drop the pretence, gentlemen.

Someone recently told me he was impressed with the way advertising people treat office helps, canteen boys, the agency man fridays (no, not servicing). I told him meet any happy people, and that's the first thing you'll notice about them.

A headturner, wasn't it.

No, don't expect an agency guy to accept it. It's a weird kind of pleasure most of us get in here. Cribbing about it. Spending evenings and nights and lots of cash at the bar criticising the way it functions. The fact that it's fun for a few, underemployment/payment for most. Sometimes, how it's almost comparable to prostitution.

That's perhaps the only bit of humility you'll find in an agency guy. His profession or the agency is the last thing he'd flaunt (writing first for a copy guy, aesthetics first for an Art Director, and celeb contacts for Account Management. Fat chance you'd ever meet a Planner randomly; it's usually difficult grabbing hold of 'un on purpose).

But ask me if every morning on my way to work, I could imagine heading to any other place but an agency, and you'll have me ducking for cover.

And that's how beautiful this place is. Every morning, no matter how stressful the day ahead maybe, no matter how pathetic the last night's layouts were, you can still drag yourself out of the quilt and head to work. Often in pyajamas and chappals, but that's not the point here.

Not to say I'm the most mature soul around these days, but as an absolute juvenile, drunk out of his wits, I once told my boss advertising was the best thing to have happened to me. He ensured the pretence wasn't dropped and burst into laughter. I smiled. Something I'd been doing every day at work before that conversation, something I've been doing every day at work after that exchange.